My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”
Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude
And I believe what I want to pray, you will hear anyway.
ReplyDeleteIndeed!
ReplyDeleteAnd once again I am faced with such a mountain in front of me. 28 Days from today, The road ahead, dark, scary and for now no light in this tunnel. At 51 who will employ a mature woman as myself. I am faced with so many decisions, stay in this cement city, find a job that pays well so that I can just survive from month to month... or, look further, look "down" the road, find peace, find that road I know nothing about, put all the stress of the city behind me? Leave my sons and allow them to become the responsible men they are suppose to be? So many questions, so little time.... Matilda told me that we don's always understand why certain things happens to us, but it allows us to make that important change, what will that be for me? I am alone, I have but myself to hold onto, yes I know we should hold on to "God", GOD, He, She or whomever IT might be. I still can't grasp what IT wants me to do, get still, I can do that, have many hours over a weekend, alone. Get still, how, when life does not allow me a minutes break from bills, responsibilities and so much more. My brain works out my income - debts and I know, once again I am going to struggle this month... Then I have to think about next month, no income? How am I going to pay my debts, rent and just live day to day?? As so many South African's our mountain seems to be MONEY! With no income but my own and now this cloud hanging over me that I might not find a new job in 28 days, I feel "deflated", to tired to get out of bed....
ReplyDeleteI read this poem over and over again this morning, tears of sadness cleansing the worries from my tired brain, tears of worry as I don't know where my son is once again..... and all I can do is ask this GOD, WHY? WHEN? WHERE? Why me, when will all this ever end and where will I end up? Matilda and George you are a true inspiration to me, when I feel that I can't go on any longer, all I have to do is log on to your blog and I KNOW I WILL find something to inspire me..... THANK YOU!!!
There are no easy answers to your questions. And maybe I can only suggest that you add another question: What will it take to get me where I need to be? And allow life to show you the next necessary step. Allow. Do NOT try to keep control or force the river. You are not alone and you will be carried along with the flow if you allow yourself to simple float. It sounds irresponsible. It is also called Trust. To always be the one to make things better and get things done is very tiring and nobody can keep it up. But you need to allow help from outside to be able to receive it. And be open to the outcome. It may be that the outcome will be what you feel at the moment to be the best, but my experience is that it is usually something so completely different that you would never have thought of it. This is scary. To trust something or someone outside yourself, especially if you have been the sole person you could truly rely on up till now.
ReplyDeleteYou desire to please God. Or maybe you don't. Either way, God's desire for you is that you live an enriched and fulfilled life. What will it take? Let go. You are safe.