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| Photograph by Matilda Angus |
“We live our lives, for ever taking leave.”
Rainer Maria Rilke
My father lived his life using his mind.
He did not have to look up mathematical formulas.
He carried it conveniently along in his head.
Life was a trigonometrical problem for which tan and
cosine applied.
He could basically fix anything mechanical.
He has Alzheimer’s.
In the past few months there has been a rapid
deterioration.
I stand in his room in the retirement home,
look at his mind through what I see.
There are shoes next to his CD player,
a light bulb in his socks drawer,
his TV remote is among his toiletries,
a few R20 notes are tucked in with his magnifying glass in its
small case.
Almost everything electrical is stripped or taken apart,
the result of being fixed without having been broken.
Nothing adds up,
no pattern emerges from the data at hand,
few things work.
Lately he often talks to me about God.
Does the way he believes seem fine to me?
I tell him we don’t have to worry about being wrong in
this case.
The magnitude of God’s love is such that he is present at
any conclusion we might reach.
Actually he does not ask us to do the maths.
We can just let go.
I don't know if it helps him.
My father is on a bus pulling out of the terminal.
He sits small and lonely at the window asking me
questions, mostly with his eyes.
I run along while I still can, shouting over the noise
while being left behind.
Will he find his toothbrush in his bag I packed? He gets
so flustered.
Is he dressed warmly? Lately he even forgets to wear
socks.
Will he get off at the right stop?
I have never been to where he is going.
I have never been to where he is going.
George
George, I am deeply moved by what you have written. My heart connects to yours and your father's in this liminal time. Bless you both.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mary. Heart connections take on a whole new meaning in situations like these. It means so much. Blessings to you.
DeleteStyfste styfstr drukkie liewe liewe George. Hoe swaar moet dit nie weed nie! Mag jy en hy daagliks ervaar dat Sy genade genoeg is vir elke dag.
ReplyDeleteBaie dankie Hanlie. Wat vir my baie moeilik is is om besluite namens hom te neem en dit veral nie te doen op 'n manier wat sê: "Ek weet wat goed is vir jou nie." Om hom saam te neem in hierdie proses waar hy al hoe meer agter raak. Ek glo dat hy en ek in hierdie proses waar ons nie in beheer is nie, God op nuwe maniere leer ken.
DeleteStyfste styfstr drukkie liewe liewe George. Hoe swaar moet dit nie weed nie! Mag jy en hy daagliks ervaar dat Sy genade genoeg is vir elke dag.
ReplyDelete