Me growing old

The above picture quote was the last straw. I came across it in the course of the week and the moment I saw it again after so many years, I knew it was time. A number of other quotes all of a sudden came to mind as well. To me, quotes are quite often gateways to meditation.

It all forms part of a topic announcing itself again. Not in the sense that it has announced itself before and I’ve ignored it – although I’ve thought about it on previous occasions. More in the sense that I am again entering the time of a certain topic coming to the fore unexpectedly on different occasions. As if to say: “It is my time. Look at me.” As other topics have done in the past.

With me and my dad living on the farm, I am constantly confronted with and I am witnessing a person’s struggle to accept old age. My father has been very active all his life. He is a fitter and turner by trade, spent years in engineering workshops, but also repaired cars, built houses and farmed among other things. 

Mathematics was his tool of choice to handle his life’s challenges. He loved to apply his mind to issues and almost had a blind faith that it will solve all problems.

So thinking about my father, manual labour and being busy, mathematics and cognitive activity are part of the parcel.

Through some strange irony he is at 79 physically very healthy, but his mind started to fade many years ago. It is a sad sight to see him carrying the advanced scientific calculator in his shirt’s upper pocket when I take him along to buy groceries or to pick up material. He is unable to do the most basic calculations on his constant companion.

It is an uphill battle with many bloody skirmishes, to get him to the point where he realises and accepts that he has entered a new phase in his life where he is unable to do what he has done before and make adjustments accordingly. His constant phrase is: “I have to keep busy. If I cannot do something with my hands, I’ll die.” He is not alone in using those words. If a money value was attached to every time I’ve heard that, I could have taken Matilda to Ireland long ago.

Fact of the matter is, we won’t die doing nothing. On the contrary.

I do not want to be cruel and take people’s joy in life away from them. But this whole issue really saddens me on different levels.

It saddens me to see how somebody overinvested in one aspect of his life. How that aspect has at its base busyness and constant activity. And how it cannot serve him in this inevitable phase of his life where things become slower and quieter. Where we are no longer able, in a number of ways, to do.

It saddens me to realise that his activities and achievements became his identity and now that it has largely fallen away, he doesn’t know who he is.

It saddens me to witness all the things that he misses out on because of his efforts to bring back what has passed. He doesn’t notice life rolling at his feet.

The other quotes I remembered added their voices to this topic choir:

“All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” 

                                                                                              - Blaise Pascal, Pensées

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.

-          T.S. Eliot, from Ash-Wednesday

Every so often I say to Matilda: “Take note. We have to look and learn.” I do not want to fight that phase of my life that has its own beauty and gifts in so many ways. I do not want to put all my eggs in one basket. Besides the manual labour that I love so much as well, I want to read and just look at life and enjoy and listen. 

Saying that leads to the realisation that you have to prepare for old age long before you are old. And I am not talking pension funds and insurance policies here. As the saying goes: “You do not change when you get older. You only become worse.” My current bad habits are going to become worse habits, my set ways and thoughts will become my soul’s grave. In order to avoid that, I have to be willing - and open - to change. Constantly.

It really is challenging to get old. It can jump on you in ways that you’ve never envisaged or even prepared for. Then, on the other hand, we can die young and miss an awfully big adventure and gift. 

“Teach us to sit still.” Not bad for a prayer, I think. Even though it will take a lifetime to get answered.

George